This piece comes from our new set of routines On Anger. Listen in the Stoa app.
Anger requires the idea that we have been harmed by somebody or something.
But there is a second part to anger, a magnifying force. Anger loves to feel righteous.
A major source of anger is our indignation. We are good and they are bad, we tell ourselves. We did not deserve to be treated like this.
We can resolve our anger by considering if the actions of the other person may have been justified, or at least normal. Consider if they may have been the kind of thing you would do, and forgive yourself for.
As Seneca said:
Someone will be said to have spoken ill of you: think whether you did not first speak ill of him: think of how many persons you have yourself spoken ill.
On Anger, 2.28.5
The trick here is to not jump to indignation. Remember that we certainly have faults too!
But it is critical to clarify that this is not about putting up with poor treatment. We don’t deserve abuse or mistreatment. That is another kind of mistake, an overcorrection.
The point is that sometimes people are mean to us because of something we have done. And in those cases, we should accept their treatment as fair, not unjust. Other times people do things wrong, but we righteously hold them to such a high standard, one we would never pass ourselves.
None of us are perfect. And as Seneca points out, thinking we are without mistake is often a mistake itself. He said:
If we desire to be impartial judges of all that takes place, we must first convince ourselves of this, that no one of us is faultless: for it is from this that most of our indignation proceeds. ‘I have not sinned, I have done no wrong.’ Say, rather, you do not admit that you have done any wrong.
On Anger 2.28.1
Marcus Aurelius echoed this idea when he said:
When you are offended at any man’s fault, forthwith turn to yourself and reflect in what like manner you do err yourself.
Meditations, 10.30
Often we frame ourselves as the victim because we can’t admit or see our own faults. And in this victim perspective, we get angry at the behavior of others.
But how can we be angry with a person who insulted us after we’ve done the same to others? How can we hate the person who lies to get their way when we are no different?
We can defeat anger by being realistic about ourselves and the world. People are flawed, ourselves included. Remove the righteous indignation and the anger goes along with it.